Sometimes It is Not You

I will start by saying that this is going to one of the most open and revealing blogs I ever write. This is an explanation to why some men some times behave the way we do in relationships and while the reasons can vary. The only one I can be accountable for is my own. So I am going to share with all who read this my story in hopes of saving some people some much unneeded pain.

So I was married for roughly 10-11 years don't quote me as my memory can be bad on such details and I would tell you that when it started out it was everything I ever wanted we had dated for 3 years prior to being married, taken relationship classes that we thought would give us a strong foundation all before we decided to take the jump. I mean there was genuine love there and we wanted to be together I mean what else was there? Realistically their was a lot more and there was one thing that affected me more than Jennifer knew and that thing was

FEAR

See behind all the love and friendship lied a fear that I carried and have carried for many years I was afraid to get married but I couldn't bring myself to say that to Jennifer she had waited a lifetime to share this moment with someone and I had said I was ready for it so I knew there was no way I could walk away form it plus I figured that I would just figure it out along the way that I loved her enough to never hurt here. I never thought it would turn into what it did.

Lesson #1

You can't run from things in a relationship unless you leave the relationship otherwise they will find you and exploit you in this case. The fear would show up about 6 months later and my answer to make it go away was simple create a backup plan. I cheated for no reason other than my fear of being hurt and my wife didn't know at the time because I was scared to tell her. This would set in motion the actions that have gone on in my life for the last 11-12 years. Fear to commit, Fear to lose someone, Fear to give up control, Fear of not being good enough.

Like most things it is only a matter of time before they surface and once this was revealed you can imagine the pain that it caused a newlywed. I mean honestly who does that ? I have apologized countless times and while my ex was no saint in her later years she did not deserve to be hurt because of my personal fears and the lack of acknowledgment of them.

Lesson#2

Acknowledging sometimes is all you need just saying what your afraid of is enough to help create solutions and to start working towards a different path. See what I didn't know then is what I lacked and failed to do I failed share with my partner YOU shouldn't have to feel like your handling these situations alone when your in a relationship and if you do there is a strong likely hood you will fail. I would later truly learn the concept of a relationship being a place of community and sharing. There is no YOU in US

So as mine and Jennifer's relationship would progress it would become a place where I was in constant fear and not of her physically hurting me but emotionally hurting me at some point so I used that as justification for every unfair behavior I had done. This was me at my darkest and most selfish of times. I was to selfish to leave her love but to scared to give mine fully.

So why didn't I just leave?

Take a wild guess FEAR of course leaving would mean being alone and by myself, what about my son,how am I going to make it, what about Jennifer I didn't want to make things worse and finally after I could no longer take it I left and I made the choice to do so. With my ego leading the charge blaming everything and every reason under the sun for why it was right. I hurt Jennifer for the last and final time.

Lesson #3

It is hard to be honest and real when your ego dominates your life. It will control you and create a constant state of internal paranoia much like the story I am describing it would be in hind sight that I saw the damage my ego caused to my life.

Lesson#4

Leaving a relationship and entering another one without a real honest answer for why you left the first one is how the cycle continues. See the only thing you take to a new relationship that is the same as your old one is YOU. So if you don't know why you did what you were doing know that it will return in some form and bring the previous drama with it.

Every relationship I have had since Jennifer has failed within roughly a 4 month window or anytime things got to serious for me because I had yet to acknowledge all of my FEARS the ones I have shared with all of you. This stuff never goes away folks and it varies for different reasons with different people but the rules are still the same we avoid it but it never goes away so now what ?

I will start with an apology because it is the least I could do.

To every women who I have ever been involved with I am sorry from the bottom of my heart that I lacked the self knowledge to prevent from hurting all of you. You are beautiful,divine, wonderful people who did not ask to have someone as confused as I was then to enter your life and create or add drama. I can't speak for all of your situations but in the ones that dealt with me it was probably more me than you when it comes to why the relationship didn't last.

Couple things I wanted to leave you with

• FEAR doesn't live in the house of LOVE they don't exist together for a reason. Love fearlessly going forward it is what is needed or at least it is a component.
• Ground yourself spirituality.
• Be more compassionate to the needs of your partner by committing to listening with an open heart and appreciating them just the way they are.
• Never FEAR love again because doing so is not worth it. It is a puric victory.
• Don't be in limbo because it is like pulling a band aid off slowly it hurts longer and you still have to pull it off.

So I hope that helps at least explain how sometimes things go wrong and usually it happens in the name of love. Change your choices, admit the hard truths, and appreciate the other person because it is always something little that grows like a bad weed in your garden.

Until my next posting

Namaste & God Bless

You Are A Flower

Because God is Beauty, He created loveliness

in the flowers that they might speak of Him.

More than anything else in nature they hint at his presence

Paramahansa Yogananda

I can remember being a young child and loving the idea of growing flowers or maintaining planets. I use to do lots of experiments as a child (shocking) and I can remember always wonder how does a plant come out of this seed I mean it is just a seed how can transform into something greater. I would break about a seed and look for magic within but as you can imagine the magic as not inside of the seed.

Not like I expected it to be because it was there I just couldn't see it and as I grew up I detached from the wonderment of such a question and became detached from wanting to know to outcome until I recently when listening to an article from Dr Wayne Dyer who I consider to be a great teacher to me in helping the concepts I have learned and share with everyone be so easy to understand. In the tape I was listening to he answered the questions I had about planting seeds so many years ago.

Future Pull is the concept of the future of something is already inside and once aligned with the proper eliminates and only when aligned will it revel itself to us to see. So when you look at a flower the elements it needs to grow are water,sunlight, and air. See flowers don't have to really think about being a flower it just is and if they had to worry there biggest worry would be where to do I get planted so my chances for growth are optimal.

Well you are certainly more aware than a flower yet the same principles that make that flower grow can help you to manifest your desires and grow into the beauty that is you.

The elements needed to grow are simple

Alignment With Source- This is getting to understand the spirit of the universe that resides in you also known as god or various other names depending on your religious belief. This may seem like a hard step but most of us already to some degree know what it is and communicate with it. It is that feeling you get when you are told to be nice and don't why or when your satisfied from helping someone you knew needed your help. It is when you place your ego aside and all yourself to be vulnerable enough with the world to share your spirit. Now the idea is to be connected with your spirit which can come different ways for different people for me it is through meditation because when I am in that state I become the silent observer to my life and my ego is ceased and in that silence my spirit is free to be.I then know how to get back to this place when I need it because I know what it feels like and where it is located.

Thoughts-Once you have yourself aligned with source you can start planting your seeds and that is going to simply be what you think. As it states in Proverbs 23:7 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. Or as I put it in my own words Our thoughts are the seeds that sow the actions that create the life we live. You are what you primarily think if you look around everything has lived twice once as a thought prior to its creation so truly know what you think will ultimately determine your outcome. So you need to have thoughts that support the source and what you want for your life positive ones, problems become challenges, everyone is a teacher,things are the way they are supposed to be. You are one with your source and it lives within you there for you are entitled to all that it has.

Vision- Once you know your thoughts manifest to reality then the next step is to see what it looks like before it happens sports teams do this all the time they see themselves winning before it happens. It allows for you to know what you expect your outcome to be. This can be done actively or while in mediation and must be done while you have s strong sense of stillness and connection to your source. I find this easiest for me when I run or swim. The other thing to realize is that with no crazy wild thoughts running thru your head you can have time to positively see the outcome of things which is a way better use of your mind than its current state of consistent worry.

Surrender To Outcome- Now when you make it this far this will step be a unique challenge letting go of outcome simply means to except whatever happens as if it is supposed to be ( which in most cases it is supposed to be). The reason I said this was hard is because when we do all the above things we have the idea that what we want is supposed to happen and that is not always the case sometimes we get a completely different result than we set out for and even though it is not what we wanted it is equally good in its own right. The trick is not to be upset but to be grateful of the lesson and experiences for it is still beautiful and valuable. See there is no losing in life unless you see loss surrendering to outcome lets you see this.

When you can do the four items in the order they are listed life will flow you right into the things you desire and help the flower or flowers that represent your life grow into the garden you have always desired.

Managing Reistance

Recently I have taken on a very interesting challenge I have made a personal commitment to minimizing and removing additional pain from my life and the lives of those that I interact with. This decision is part of a greater picture. To most people what I just said is a very daunting challenge and I totally understand why it feels impossible because I understand the level of thinking that the collective majority resides in. I use to reside their too and I never felt to bad about it because it is not until you realize their is a better way, a different perspective can you begin to look for a different way.

How does something like this happen?

It happens with pain once you reach a certain level of suffering or pain depending on your word choice you snap something in you gives way and forms a decision making point and a choice will be made that will change how you view life forever. This can be either a positive or negative choice which is the subject of an entirely different conversation but a choice is made.

So knowing that you have to have a enough pain in your life to change anything also know that is not the only way to create change you can use your awareness and just make a choice which sounds so easy right ? It isn't not even when you know you should. Understand there is nothing wrong with any of this or with you and how you feel about it. If you are looking for more balance in your life though this is one way of getting that.

So here is what I am doing to stop adding to the cycle of pain that is in my life.

Acceptance Of Life Situations

Oneness

Expanding My Personal Understanding of Me.

When you accept life situations for what they are which is a situation you are having in your life and allow them to be just that a situation you can learn and gather information from it removes resistance and allows for you to approach things from a place of understand and clarity which is needed to create a positive outcome. You also eliminate energy loss caused by resisting what is. The second concept of oneness is simple everyone is the same we may have different forms but what is inside is all the same and while some people use emotions and reactions that you may not they still have the same emotions and reactions that you have and when you remove the vail that separates you from them you allow compassion in. The last piece is the hardest of the three it is understanding why and what causes you to react the way you do to people,and life situations. See our reactions to things are a great indicator of our own personal fears,insecurities,issues, etc. It is usually a reflection of our own conflict about a situation the more you know why you are feeling the way you do when you react to people or things the easier it will be to remove the resistance that blocks the love,compassion. With resistance gone so shall pain be removed and your more likely to make choices that generate as minimal pain as possible.

I plan on none of this being easy but I feel that it is a step in the direction of making my life better and making the lives of those around me better and that makes it all worth it.

Until my next post

Namaste, God Bless

Being Right

How important is it for you to be right ?

What does it mean for you to have won the argument ?

What have you or are you willing to sacrifice to win ?

How many relationships potentially have been lost at the price of being right?

I ask the above questions because I can say that I have lost a great deal and generated a great amount of pain from being right. I now equate being right to winning the battle and losing the war. I mean when your arguing,trying to prove your point, or you just refuse to listen to any other ideas besides your own that is exactly what your doing. You set a perception that your unreasonable and force those who come in contact with you limit that as much as possible. I mean let's face it who wants to talk to someone who is always ready to go all in to prove they are right.

Here is my take and my lesson in this behavior It does not matter if your right not to say there are times when being right is what is important. I am referring to primarily your relationships and the closer people are to you the more likely you are to try and win your point.

This is a foolish endeavor and frankly is not fair to those who are considered your family and friends. I mean their opinion of you is a holistic one (meaning they see all of you all the time) and what may seem like one instance to you may be twelve to them. So if you are someone who is guilty of this and we all are at times.

Try something different and see what happens you very well may be pleased with the results because ultimately you want to persevere the relationship which is one thing I am sure you and the other party can bot agree upon.

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This is President Obamas speech to the African American community which was a long time coming in my opinion and according to the Huffington Post this was his first speech since taking office that spoke directly about the subject of race. I know most people always thought that the president would not touch that subject or was wondering when it was coming. It is nice to see someone who I can relate to stand up and call out excuses and I will be the first to say that you are responsible for you no matter what the circumstances that surround you.That is what this speech is about so enjoy and as with everything on this site it will be what you make of it.

Listen Up

The power of active listening can go an extremely long way. Lately in an effort to be a more effective person and to build quality relationships with the women in my life I have started to read What Women Want Men to Know by Barbara DeAngelis. In her book the author describes the differences between men and women which is for an entire different posting, however what I did learn was the real power of active listening and how it can truly help in every area of your life.

First rule of listening is to focus on the words not what you’re going to say. We have all heard this before well let me tell you why you should not focus on a response. You may not have to respond at all is why sometimes listening means providing cues that show you’re listening like Oh No, tell me more, that’s unfortunate. These are referred to as verbal head nods. They are designed to let people know you are listening. Here is the golden nugget that sometimes is all that is needed. In the book I referenced earlier this generalization was made when talking to women. It basically states that most women want to heard and not have someone fix there issues. This does have some merit to it now on the flip side of that.

I think that from a male perspective that is a huge issue we have as listeners we are always looking for ways to fix things or resolve problems. This is our nature however it is not what is always needed in the realm of communication we have to learn when we should be listening to resolve and when we should be listening to hear what the other party has to say. This golden nugget is the major key to effective communication.

I will tell you from my personal experience with this in my life it becomes incredible different when you open your ears to hear what the other party has to say. You are able to reach an effective and deeper level in your relationships. I will tell that it is worth a week of your life to focus on listening more you might be surprised what you hear.

Until next post goodbye and good luck.

Google's At It Again

So I was reading thru my blog list and I was at Micheal Hyatt's blog and he had this posted and I was completely blown away again by Google and the level of creative thinking that is funneled out of that place. They are always inspiring. You need only to watch the first 20 min to get an idea that they are about to bring another WAVE of change for us all. I love Google

10 Things You Never Learned

So I was going thru my bookmarks and found something I felt needed to be re posted. Below you will find the answer to the title and the link that explains each in detail but I will tell you this is something good to have handy as a reminder to be better or know that maybe you don't know what you don't know. 1. How to predict consequences 2. How to read 3. How to distinguish truth from fiction 4. How to empathize 5. How to be creative 6. How to communicate clearly 7. How to Learn 8. How to stay healthy 9. How to value yourself 10. How to live meaningfully There you have simple but effective when expanded on continue reading here I know one question was left with which was why doesn't these subjects be honestly addressed by educational system? I don't expect that answered just to provoke thought.